Funny Quotes
(120+ quotes)

Funny quotes to get your day going with a smile or provide a chuckle in the middle of a stressful time. Use the gift of humor and laughter daily. It will lighten your load and nurture your naturally joyful spirit. 

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There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers

How come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except your brain?
Ruby Wax

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is there’s no ground.
Chogyam Trungpa

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.
Abigail Van Buren

If you have yet to be called an incorrigible, defiant woman, don’t worry, there is still time.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
Gordon MacKenzie

A new year’s resolution goes in one year and out another
Oscar Wilde

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Marilyn Monroe

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser

Life is sweet when you pay attention. When it doesn't seem sweet, put a sticker on your nose and do a funky dance.
Whitney Scott

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.
Alison Bechdel

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Candace Bushnell

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson

There's a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
Melanie Griffith

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
Robert Frost

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Charles M. Schulz

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Mark Twain

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not a blonde.
Dolly Parton

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

No matter what you do, somebody always imputes meaning into your books.
Dr. Seuss

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.
William Saroyan

Fish and visitors stink after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

Hook: If I were you, I'd give up! Peter: If you were me…I'd be ugly!
J. M. Barrie - Peter Pan

I am not strange, I am just not normal.
Salvador Dali

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali

When I'm born I'm black, when I grow up I'm black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I die I'm black, and you…when you're born you're pink, when you grow up you're white, when you're cold you're blue, when you're sick you're green, when you die you're grey and you dare call me coloured.
Malcolm X

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde

As I ramble through life, whatever be my goal, I will unfortunately always keep my eye upon the doughnut and not upon the whole.
Wendy Wasserstein

Common sense is not so common.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Golda Meir

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.
Cynthia Nelma

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
Jean Kerr

There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.
John M. Eades

You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Bill Vaughn

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
Pete Seeger

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss

If women ruled the world and we all got massages, there would be no war.
Carrie Snow

Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles M. Schulz

My kids refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
Erma Bombeck

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Ogden Nash

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

When you live on a round planet, there's no choosing sides.
Wayne Dyer

A pessimist is a person who is seasick during the entire voyage of life.
Zig Ziglar

Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment. They farm fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into war, use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child labor, exchange information ceaselessly. They do everything but watch television.
Lewis Thomas

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt. According to this my soul mate should be in Thailand.
Jason Zebehazy

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.
Isabel Allende

Every day people are straying away from church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

I have found the best way to give advice to children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry S. Truman

I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.
George W. Bush

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou

If everyone thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening.
George Barzan

If you want money, ask for advice; if you want advice, ask for money.
Peter Hero

Marriage is like a besieged castle; those who are on the outside wish to get in; those who are on the inside wish to get out.
Arabian Proverb

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
George Bernard Shaw

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

Without promotion something terrible happens…nothing!
P. T. Barnum

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
Chinese Proverb

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Doug Larson

There’ll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ‘em. But all that’s gonna matter is the little dash between ‘em.
Kevin Welsh

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.
Elizabeth Gilbert

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Denial is much more than an Egyptian river.
Mark Twain

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.
Mark Twain

If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.
Mark Twain

It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.
Mark Twain

There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.
Mark Twain

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
Michael Altshuler

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
Lane Olinghouse

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs.
Ann Landers

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
Arnold Haultain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry

If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.
Nancy Drew

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.
Edward Koch

The three words women most want to hear from a man are: you lost weight.
Lori Gottlieb

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Woody Allen

At first, I only laughed at myself. Then I noticed that life itself is amusing. I've been in a generally good mood ever since.
Marilyn vos Savant

Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.
Robert C. Gallagher

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

I tried to drown my sorrow, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling.
Frida Kahlo

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them and pretty soon you have a dozen.
John Steinbeck

If you put junk food in your body, your body will turn to junk.
Goldie Hawn

If you're not confused, you’re not paying attention.
Tom Peters

Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Ann Landers

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Ernestine Ulmer

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H.L. Mencken

Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Samuel Johnson

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Oscar Wilde

One man’s religion is another man’s belly laugh.
Robert A. Heinlein

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem

There is no greater burden than having great potential.
Linus from “Peanuts”

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, Sir, almighty scarce.
Mark Twain

You don’t get ulcers from what you eat, you get them from what’s eating you.
Vicki Baum

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