Funny Quotes

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Who needs astrology? The wise man gets by on fortune cookies.
Edward Abbey

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
Marcel Achard

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Woody Allen

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.
Isabel Allende

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
Michael Altshuler

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Burt Bacharach

Without promotion something terrible happens…nothing!
P. T. Barnum

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry

You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore

A dog is one of the reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.
O. A. Battista

You don’t get ulcers from what you eat, you get them from what’s eating you.
Vicki Baum

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

My kids refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
Erma Bombeck

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

A garden is a thing of beauty and a job forever.
Richard Briers

I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back.
Phillips Brooks

Every day people are straying away from church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism.
Leo Buscaglia

I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.
George W. Bush

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Candace Bushnell

Art is whatever you can get away with.
John Cage

To grow old is to move from passion to compassion.
Albert Camus

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book.
Cicero

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I am not strange, I am just not normal.
Salvadore Dali

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward de Bono

It's okay to be crazy, but don't be insane.
P Diddy

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.
Nancy Drew

When you live on a round planet, there's no choosing sides.
Wayne Dyer

There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.
John M. Eades

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.
Albert Einstein

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
George Eliot

Polygraph tests are 20th-century witchcraft.
Sam Erwin

If you have yet to be called an incorrigible, defiant woman, don’t worry, there is still time.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

Never lend books; no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books other people have lent me.
Anatole France

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Rose Franken

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Benjamin Franklin

Fish and visitors stink after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost

Th brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
Robert Frost

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick to it.
Eva Gabor

Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.
Robert C. Gallagher

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.
Elizabeth Gilbert

The three words women most want to hear from a man are, You lost weight.
Lori Gottlieb

Having the world's best idea will do you no good unless you act on it. People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool in the middle of a field in hopes that a cow will back up to them.
Curtis Grant

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Germaine Greer

There's a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
Melanie Griffith

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
Arnold Haultain

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Samuel Johnson

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson

When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
Jean Kerr

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Martin Luther King Jr.

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.
Edward Koch

Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs
Ann Landers

Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Ann Landers

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Doug Larson

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
Fran Lebowitz

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
John Lennon

There is no greater burden than having great potential.
Linus from “Peanuts”

Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
Gordon MacKenzie

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

Despite a lack of natural ability. I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naivete, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
Steve Martin

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
Groucho Marx

Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Golda Meir

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
Bernard Meltzer

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H.L. Mencken

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton

Enthusiasm is the yeast that raises the dough.
Paul J. Meyer

If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Marilyn Monroe

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Marilyn Monroe

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Ogden Nash

Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.
Cynthia Nelma

Hook: If I were you, I'd give up! Peter: If you were me…I'd be ugly!
Peter Pan

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not a blonde.
Dolly Parton

Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing.
Irene Peter

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
Paula Poundstone

He who thinks he leads, but has no followers, is only taking a walk.
Proverb

Marriage is like a besieged castle; those who are on the outside wish to get in; those who are on the inside wish to get out.
Arabian Proverb

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
Chinese Proverb

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

At first, I only laughed at myself. Then I noticed that life itself is amusing. I've been in a good mood ever since.
Marilyn vos Savant

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Charles M. Schulz

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
Charles M. Schulz

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz

Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles M. Schulz

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

Life is sweet when you pay attention. When it doesn't seem sweet, put a sticker on your nose and do a funky dance.
Whitney Scott

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
Pete Seeger

There is no such thing as Fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss

No matter what you do, somebody always imputes meaning into your books.
Dr. Seuss

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
George Bernard Shaw

There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw

Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.
William Saroyan

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Barbra Streisand

Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
Margaret Thacher

Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment. They farm fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into war, use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child labor, exchange information ceaselessly. They do everything but watch television.
Lewis Thomas

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin

I have found the best way to give advice to children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry S. Truman

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Mark Twain

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Mark Twain

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain

Denial is much more then an Egyptian River.
Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
Mark Twain

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.
Mark Twain

It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.
Mark Twain

There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.
Mark Twain

What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, Sir, almighty scarce.
Mark Twain

A great way for you to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
Frank Varano

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Bill Vaughn

Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
Andy Warhol

As I ramble through life, whatever be my goal, I will unfortunately always keep my eye upon the doughnut and not upon the whole.
Wendy Wasserstein

There’ll be two dates on your tombstone. And all your friends will read ‘em. But all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ‘em.
Kevin Welch

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey

A new year’s resolution goes in one year and out another
Oscar Wilde

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Oscar Wilde

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Ben Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

You’re only given a little part of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Robin Williams

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

When I'm born I'm black, when I grow up I'm black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I die I'm black, and you…when you're born you're pink, when you grow up you're white, when you're cold you're blue, when you're sick you're green, when you die you're grey and you dare call me coloured.
Malcom X

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt. According to this my soul mate should be in Thailand.
Jason Zebehazy

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
Catherine Zeta-Jones

A pessimist is a person who is seasick during the entire voyage of life.
Zig Ziglar