Funny quotes to get your day going with a smile or provide a chuckle in the middle of a stressful time. Use the gift of humor and laughter daily. It will lighten your load and nurture your naturally joyful spirit.
Who needs astrology? The wise man gets by on fortune cookies.
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Without promotion something terrible happens…nothing!
P. T. Barnum
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.
A dog is one of the reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.
O. A. Battista
You don’t get ulcers from what you eat, you get them from what’s eating you.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
My kids refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
A garden is a thing of beauty and a job forever.
I do not pray for a lighter load, but for a stronger back.
Every day people are straying away from church and going back to God.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism.
I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.
George W. Bush
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.
Art is whatever you can get away with.
To grow old is to move from passion to compassion.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I am not strange, I am just not normal.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward de Bono
It's okay to be crazy, but don't be insane.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.
When you live on a round planet, there's no choosing sides.
There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.
John M. Eades
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
Polygraph tests are 20th-century witchcraft.
If you have yet to be called an incorrigible, defiant woman, don’t worry, there is still time.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Never lend books; no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books other people have lent me.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Fish and visitors stink after three days.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Th brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick to it.
Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.
Robert C. Gallagher
Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit.
The three words women most want to hear from a man are, You lost weight.
Having the world's best idea will do you no good unless you act on it. People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool in the middle of a field in hopes that a cow will back up to them.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
There's a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Martin Luther King Jr.
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.
Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs
Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
There is no greater burden than having great potential.
Linus from “Peanuts”
Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Despite a lack of natural ability. I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naivete, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Enthusiasm is the yeast that raises the dough.
Paul J. Meyer
If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.
Hook: If I were you, I'd give up! Peter: If you were me…I'd be ugly!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not a blonde.
Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
He who thinks he leads, but has no followers, is only taking a walk.
Marriage is like a besieged castle; those who are on the outside wish to get in; those who are on the inside wish to get out.
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Be sincere; be brief; be seated.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
At first, I only laughed at myself. Then I noticed that life itself is amusing. I've been in a good mood ever since.
Marilyn vos Savant
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Charles M. Schulz
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
Charles M. Schulz
Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
Charles M. Schulz
Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
Life is sweet when you pay attention. When it doesn't seem sweet, put a sticker on your nose and do a funky dance.
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
There is no such thing as Fun for the whole family.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
No matter what you do, somebody always imputes meaning into your books.
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
George Bernard Shaw
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw
Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Being in power is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment. They farm fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into war, use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child labor, exchange information ceaselessly. They do everything but watch television.
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
I have found the best way to give advice to children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry S. Truman
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Denial is much more then an Egyptian River.
Familiarity breeds contempt and children.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.
It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.
There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.
What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, Sir, almighty scarce.
A great way for you to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Common sense is not so common.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
As I ramble through life, whatever be my goal, I will unfortunately always keep my eye upon the doughnut and not upon the whole.
There’ll be two dates on your tombstone. And all your friends will read ‘em. But all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ‘em.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
A new year’s resolution goes in one year and out another
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from lack of imagination.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
You’re only given a little part of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
When I'm born I'm black, when I grow up I'm black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm black, when I die I'm black, and you…when you're born you're pink, when you grow up you're white, when you're cold you're blue, when you're sick you're green, when you die you're grey and you dare call me coloured.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and familiarity breeds contempt. According to this my soul mate should be in Thailand.
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
A pessimist is a person who is seasick during the entire voyage of life.
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